In view of 2010
[info]lunelumiere
Today is the last day of 2010. I should at least blog about "the most memorable thing that happened" . but seriously, this year passed quickly, too quickly.

Can you imagine that I remember what tv show I watched last year 31 dec 2009?
I remembered what I did, went, ate on 25 dec 2009. I went to cofm patient's house, there was a christmas lunch, my aunt suffered pancreatitis.
I ate lots of ham on that day. And watched a little bit of "UP".
on 31 dec 2009 12 midnight, I remembered everyone else was sleeping, I was watching those taiwanese channels with artistes singing. There was Mayday, and Wang lee hom. I was bored.
so you see, that seemed like not too long ago, but actually a year has passed.

So in summary, what exactly happened this year?
I remember somewhere earlier this year there was chp. then cofm and pharmaco exam (well that seemed like very very long time ago). Then fam med, emed, psy, hols and I painted. Okay Emed seemed like a million years ago. I remembered all my ambulance runs darn clearly. The paramedics I met, what I did and where I went. It was V memorable, kind of exciting, very tiring.
Then I was in year 4, obs, paeds, short postings: patho, anaesthesia, ophthalmo, ENT, then hols again, I am studying for patho finals.

Most memorable thing that happened? er. Not sure. maybe it was emed? CPR at 3-4am in the morning, I felt like dying myself.
I guess lots of things did happen this year. like I took part in UOB POY after ?8 years. I went back to taking piano lessons, I even performed at a student recital. I guess I am trying to return to my old life again, when I had life more than just medicine. I am afterall greedy. I am down to just 1 student now, coming at 4 later. This year, my other 2 students passed one practical and one theory exam each. 

I look forward to 2011 actually. To patho exams, when it ends. To chinese new year that for the first time in many years, not spent studying. I look forward to painting again after exam. I want to take up a new instrument. I would like to finish writing a novel. I am also looking forward to electives, no exams for 16 weeks, and plenty of time to explore my interests in medicine. I look forward to more piano lessons, to play Tempest well, learn more new pieces. I look forward to travelling during my elective.

Yeah...I feel hopeful right now.


in Third Person
[info]lunelumiere
Time has eroded away pain
Smoothened the edges, washed away
the ugliness
of human nature
of mutual blame
i finally saw it in a different light
reading emails like reading a novel
as the story unfolds
the flaws of human nature unwraps
The faults revealed
It's like walking parellels
and talking to your staring reflection
just bothering to speak
not caring to listen
what silly fools

too good to be true?
[info]lunelumiere
Today I picked up a biblical verse
framed with orange and yellow flowers
Read a little, pondered a little
And I remember you saying "it's too good to be true, right?"
Years later, it's still too good to be true
Only that you have left
Left my life, completely.
I am glad you sort of brought me closer
And even though you disappeared,
God still stayed, nevertheless

I do not know what to think of you, any longer
You seem to be a quiet lingering presence
A mistake I wish to learn from, and not repeat
A name that floats up in my mind
With no specific meaning or feeling in it
As I remember you saying "it's too good to be true, right?"
You weren't too good to be true,
And time proves everything, life goes on
And even though you disappeared,
God still stayed, nevertheless

(no subject)
[info]lunelumiere
That's it, I am devoid of energy and creativity.
I haven't tried to practise piano, or tried to finish the painting, or tried to do anything that I would do anything to finish in the last 6 months.
I feel a sense of absenteeism. I am sort of absent from my life.

i am just waiting for life to happen...


this is what i am doing now...
[info]lunelumiere
In summary, this is what is happening for the next few weeks as an update.

Paeds paeds paeds paeds paeds paeds paeds paeds
kidskids minicex writeup kids kids minicex writeup eopt

cross fingers * pray * =)

UOB painting of the year 2010
[info]lunelumiere
It is interesting to read about the controversy over the winner this year. heh, honestly, art is very subjective, so I really cannot comment very much, maybe until I see the painting myself. hahaha. I will go see the soon.

This year, I actually sent in two artworks myself. I guess it's okay to post it up here now. I guess I was kind of secretive at first, cos this is in fact a very private side of me. The competition's long over, it doesn't hurt that I didn't win (albeit I did hope to get some kind of affirmation, but I guess I have enough self-confidence to fall back on). It's a form of expression, and I really did put in a lot of effort, exhausting my holidays, but there's no regrets. hahaha. It's still a dream, and I hope that I might succeed one day in the future.

eh... why the photos appear so small and blur when uploaded... never mind. And why the words are in blue and underlined when I type belong the photos.. livejournal bewilders me.

Anyway, 1st painting is called Infinity. It's about people pursuing their dreams. It's something I thought about while mugging for pharmacology MBBS. Because I was suffering hahaha. Medium is oil on canvas.
2nd painting is called Finiteness. Inspired when one of my classmates passed away. Even I don't really know her personally, I have heard her speak about her faith. Each hourglass represents our limited lifespan, and anytime the thread that holds can break, and no matter how hard we try to preserve our lives, the result is the same (as in the 3rd panel). I really started to think about whether everything I was pursuing was really worth my time and effort, and whether I would regret. Medium is charcoal on canvas.

To the very few that read this blog, feel free to criticise these paintings, so that I can work on it, and probably improve on my next painting (that I am starting to plan)Although I will definitely be quite pissed, cos I like my own work a lot....hahhaha.. next hols is after pathology exams. (man, I wish the photos had turned out better). hahaha. Anyway, painting is a very expensive interest/hobby... which makes me really feel like selling them, or selling my other stuff.




update
[info]lunelumiere
Today is the second last day of ICEM, and I am glad that I am done with volunteering. I am quite tired, and haven't been able to paint or do anything else besides watching TV and reading MONK when I come back.
I have read 3 books of Mr MONK (yes, the detective with OCD), and basically it's just full of nonsense, but a satisfying read for the not-too-complicated-i-just-want-to-LOL kind of book. Helps to fill in the boring time spent on trains.

I am almost done with this painting. it's about 1m by 0.7m, and it's 80% done. I am getting in trouble, now I realise how difficult it is to stay objective when you paint. I mean I have wondered before something like that: whoever paints this thing it is horrible. Now I realise even if my work is horrible, I won't be able to recognise it, because I have grown to like it, and I have so involved in it, I cannot be objective about it.

Like the way Nad said before that some scrulpture I did long ago was a "pile of trash" or something to that extent. (sorry, nad, I really treasure your frankness)... I cannot absorb and internalise such a comment, because I have grown too fond with my work. it's happening now...

Holiday
[info]lunelumiere
Paint...paint...paint

Yesterday, nad and I went to botanic gardens and exhausted ourselves by painting for almost 3 plus hours. I wondered what made nad suggest this activity. haha, I haven't painted watercolour on the spot before I think. And I so nearly thought I won't finish, and pleaded with nad not to leave me behind hahaha.

Today, I played lots of games, and watched lots of TV, before I started to continue with my oil painting around evening. Another 3 hours today. I am so thinking I would never finish it or something. I am so wrong about needing more patience for water colour, looks like oil needs more. I predict around 3 days before I can re-edit the same part. This is just the beginning. I better start painting like seriously, if not I have to take years to finish...

Disillusionment
[info]lunelumiere
Honestly speaking, I am disillusioned.

Today, I was looking at my bro's terrapin, and I wondered, "What's the difference between a terrapin and a human, a terrapin and me?"

I am alive, because I wake up in the morning, and I am still alive. Just like the terrapin. Although I know life is unpredictable, and it is short, I do not know when my life would end. But today, I am still alive.

Is there a higher purpose for me living today?

Actually I don't think so. I don't live my day as if there is a higher purpose.

I eat, sleep, watch tv, indulge in pleasures, study (because I have to). Am I doing anything actively to show there is a higher purpose for my living? nope

Lots of people are alive, and they are not questioning why they are living. Because they aren't thinking about it.

I am disillusioned with religion. Why do I go to church? What is the meaning behind all this?

We sing, and we talk. Are we actively doing anything or trying to do anything for anyone? even during mcf, as they discussed about "spirituality", yes, all the higher purpose stuff

But day to day, I feel that people are just thinking about getting things done, making themselves feel good, what else? So, one is just talking to a patient, for the sake of writing a case write up, at least it appears so. One cannot even spare a smile, or kind word to your colleague, and one can talk about spiritual things, about religion, about being  Christian. About higher purpose.

I don't know what to think about higher purpose. I can't even talk about it. How to talk about the skies when your feet is not even rooted to the ground?

Sometimes I do feel this whole christianity thing is nothing that I want. Many Christians make me feel that religion is one big lie. I think I believe in kindness, compassion. I do not mean by being kind to your loved one, or being kind because of circumstances. I mean stepping out, taking the trouble to, being kind to someone else. Yes, it is the teaching of Christ, but it is the teaching of many others too. It is not exclusive.

Most of the time, I don't see it . I see pride, I see judgment, I see self righteousness, anger and doubts against others, selfishness.

How can I be persuaded to join a group of people like that, that I am supposedly should aspire to become? Does being busy with church make you a nicer person? Does talking about God all the time make you a good person?

Putting God as the top priority in your life. Sounds abstract. What does it mean? What do they mean?
 

I cry out to God everyday, because I struggle everyday. I stopped reading His word, but I think about it again and again.

Today I asked my family, "Why are people always aspiring for things, like more money, bigger houses, nicer clothes , better food, bigger cars, nicer phone, laptop?" I see myself falling into the same trap. I often imagine myself having the money, to afford more comfortable clothes, fashionable clothes like my friends. I often imagine having a car, like my friend. About buying a textbook without feeling so much guilt. About travelling without feeling bad. All these that I can afford to, when I have got the money.

And very soon, I would be so comfortable, and when I hear about people suffering, I might just donate some money, and continue to live in luxury. Which at this point of time, I think there is irony.

(did I ever say I really hate the way people start talking to me in this particular tone of voice, like I am really stupid or something, and can't be bothered to listen or understand the flow of argument?)

I think about Christians I know. And start to feel, what's the point of being a Christian? Seriously?

For a salvation that they preach about, but I am not going to get? Because I am even worse off than a non-believer, "in thought and word and deed". Am I becoming a better person because of going to church, reading the bible, or going for christian activities? Somehow I cannot convince myself to say yes. Does being a good Christian equal to being a good person (meaning kind and compassionate, or in a simple understanding "nice"")? Supposedly yes, but I can't convince myself either.

There again, I can imagine a Christian friend arguing with me, what I mean by a "good person", and whether a "good person" that I imagine is truly "good" (by Christian standards)? what kind of standard do I use to measure? And a whole intellectual, spiritual, academic, and religious, philosophical argument follows.

Honestly, I feel this kind of argument is fruitless. My idea of fruitfulness is not in thinking and discussing, but making an action to fulfil, to change something. So, seriously, do I go to heaven just by thinking or by doing? I anticipate another whole argument using different parts of the scripture, by my intellectual friends.

And then? No definite answer?

I don't want to find myself suddenly at the end point of my life, having only "thought about", "discussed about", "argued about", " knew about", "learnt about", but yet to have done anything that I "thought about", "discussed about", "argued about", "knew about", "learnt about". That is what I think now.

This has nothing to do with the scriptures, don't start quoting different parts of it now, to prove your point, because that kind of behaviour sucks.

The simple reason is that I only got one life. It's now or nothing, isn't it?


home burial by robert frost
[info]lunelumiere
Home Burial
by Robert Frost


I feel this is one of the best written ones...incomparable. It sort of dramatise in your head, and captures the difficulty and pain of the word "communication" among other things, and highlights where all the agony starts from...

He saw her from the bottom of the stairs
Before she saw him. She was starting down,
Looking back over her shoulder at some fear.
She took a doubtful step and then undid it
To raise herself and look again. He spoke
Advancing toward her: 'What is it you see
From up there always -- for I want to know.'
She turned and sank upon her skirts at that,
And her face changed from terrified to dull.
He said to gain time: 'What is it you see?'
Mounting until she cowered under him.
'I will find out now -- you must tell me, dear.'
She, in her place, refused him any help
With the least stiffening of her neck and silence.
She let him look, sure that he wouldn't see,
Blind creature; and a while he didn't see.
But at last he murmured, 'Oh' and again, 'Oh.'
'What is it -- what?' she said.
'Just that I see.'
'You don't,' she challenged. 'Tell me what it is.'
'The wonder is I didn't see at once.
I never noticed it from here before.
I must be wonted to it -- that's the reason.'
The little graveyard where my people are!
So small the window frames the whole of it.
Not so much larger than a bedroom, is it?
There are three stones of slate and one of marble,
Broad-shouldered little slabs there in the sunlight
On the sidehill. We haven't to mind those.
But I understand: it is not the stones,
But the child's mound --'
'Don't, don't, don't, don't,' she cried.
She withdrew shrinking from beneath his arm
That rested on the banister, and slid downstairs;
And turned on him with such a daunting look,
He said twice over before he knew himself:
'Can't a man speak of his own child he's lost?'
'Not you! Oh, where's my hat? Oh, I don't need it!
I must get out of here. I must get air.

I don't know rightly whether any man can.'
'Amy! Don't go to someone else this time.
Listen to me. I won't come down the stairs.'
He sat and fixed his chin between his fists.
'There's something I should like to ask you, dear.'
'You don't know how to ask it.'
'Help me, then.'

Her fingers moved the latch for all reply.
'My words are nearly always an offence.
I don't know how to speak of anything
So as to please you. But I might be taught
I should suppose. I can't say I see how,
A man must partly give up being a man
With women-folk. We could have some arrangement
By which I'd bind myself to keep hands off
Anything special you're a-mind to name.
Though I don't like such things 'twixt those that love.
Two that don't love can't live together without them.
But two that do can't live together with them.'
She moved the latch a little. 'Don't -- don't go.
Don't carry it to someone else this time.
Tell me about it if it's something human.
Let me into your grief. I'm not so much
Unlike other folks as your standing there
Apart would make me out. Give me my chance.
I do think, though, you overdo it a little.

What was it brought you up to think it the thing
To take your mother-loss of a first child
So inconsolably- in the face of love.
You'd think his memory might be satisfied --'
'There you go sneering now!'
'I'm not, I'm not!
You make me angry. I'll come down to you.
God, what a woman! And it's come to this,
A man can't speak of his own child that's dead.'
'You can't because you don't know how.
If you had any feelings, you that dug
With your own hand--how could you?--his little grave;
I saw you from that very window there,
Making the gravel leap and leap in air,
Leap up, like that, like that, and land so lightly
And roll back down the mound beside the hole.
I thought, Who is that man? I didn't know you.
And I crept down the stairs and up the stairs
To look again, and still your spade kept lifting.
Then you came in. I heard your rumbling voice
Out in the kitchen, and I don't know why,
But I went near to see with my own eyes.
You could sit there with the stains on your shoes
Of the fresh earth from your own baby's grave
And talk about your everyday concerns.
You had stood the spade up against the wall
Outside there in the entry, for I saw it.'
'I shall laugh the worst laugh I ever laughed.
I'm cursed. God, if I don't believe I'm cursed.'
I can repeat the very words you were saying ,
"Three foggy mornings and one rainy day
Will rot the best birch fence a man can build."
Think of it, talk like that at such a time!
What had how long it takes a birch to rot
To do with what was in the darkened parlour?
You couldn't care! The nearest friends can go
With anyone to death, comes so far short
They might as well not try to go at all.
No, from the time when one is sick to death,
One is alone, and he dies more alone.

Friends make pretence of following to the grave,
But before one is in it, their minds are turned
And making the best of their way back to life
And living people, and things they understand.
But the world's evil. I won't have grief so
If I can change it. Oh, I won't, I won't'
'There, you have said it all and you feel better.
You won't go now. You're crying. Close the door.
The heart's gone out of it: why keep it up?
Amyl There's someone coming down the road!'
'You --oh, you think the talk is all. I must go-
Somewhere out of this house. How can I make you --'
'If--you -- do!' She was opening the door wider.
'Where do you mean to go? First tell me that.
I'll follow and bring you back by force. I will! --'


Honestly, after reading this poem so many times, I can see in the guy's point of view more and more.

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