Today, I was looking at my bro's terrapin, and I wondered, "What's the difference between a terrapin and a human, a terrapin and me?"
I am alive, because I wake up in the morning, and I am still alive. Just like the terrapin. Although I know life is unpredictable, and it is short, I do not know when my life would end. But today, I am still alive.
Is there a higher purpose for me living today?
Actually I don't think so. I don't live my day as if there is a higher purpose.
I eat, sleep, watch tv, indulge in pleasures, study (because I have to). Am I doing anything actively to show there is a higher purpose for my living? nope
Lots of people are alive, and they are not questioning why they are living. Because they aren't thinking about it.
I am disillusioned with religion. Why do I go to church? What is the meaning behind all this?
We sing, and we talk. Are we actively doing anything or trying to do anything for anyone? even during mcf, as they discussed about "spirituality", yes, all the higher purpose stuff
But day to day, I feel that people are just thinking about getting things done, making themselves feel good, what else? So, one is just talking to a patient, for the sake of writing a case write up, at least it appears so. One cannot even spare a smile, or kind word to your colleague, and one can talk about spiritual things, about religion, about being Christian. About higher purpose.
I don't know what to think about higher purpose. I can't even talk about it. How to talk about the skies when your feet is not even rooted to the ground?
Sometimes I do feel this whole christianity thing is nothing that I want. Many Christians make me feel that religion is one big lie. I think I believe in kindness, compassion. I do not mean by being kind to your loved one, or being kind because of circumstances. I mean stepping out, taking the trouble to, being kind to someone else. Yes, it is the teaching of Christ, but it is the teaching of many others too. It is not exclusive.
Most of the time, I don't see it . I see pride, I see judgment, I see self righteousness, anger and doubts against others, selfishness.
How can I be persuaded to join a group of people like that, that I am supposedly should aspire to become? Does being busy with church make you a nicer person? Does talking about God all the time make you a good person?
Putting God as the top priority in your life. Sounds abstract. What does it mean? What do they mean?
Today I asked my family, "Why are people always aspiring for things, like more money, bigger houses, nicer clothes , better food, bigger cars, nicer phone, laptop?" I see myself falling into the same trap. I often imagine myself having the money, to afford more comfortable clothes, fashionable clothes like my friends. I often imagine having a car, like my friend. About buying a textbook without feeling so much guilt. About travelling without feeling bad. All these that I can afford to, when I have got the money.
And very soon, I would be so comfortable, and when I hear about people suffering, I might just donate some money, and continue to live in luxury. Which at this point of time, I think there is irony.
(did I ever say I really hate the way people start talking to me in this particular tone of voice, like I am really stupid or something, and can't be bothered to listen or understand the flow of argument?)
I think about Christians I know. And start to feel, what's the point of being a Christian? Seriously?
For a salvation that they preach about, but I am not going to get? Because I am even worse off than a non-believer, "in thought and word and deed". Am I becoming a better person because of going to church, reading the bible, or going for christian activities? Somehow I cannot convince myself to say yes. Does being a good Christian equal to being a good person (meaning kind and compassionate, or in a simple understanding "nice"")? Supposedly yes, but I can't convince myself either.
There again, I can imagine a Christian friend arguing with me, what I mean by a "good person", and whether a "good person" that I imagine is truly "good" (by Christian standards)? what kind of standard do I use to measure? And a whole intellectual, spiritual, academic, and religious, philosophical argument follows.
Honestly, I feel this kind of argument is fruitless. My idea of fruitfulness is not in thinking and discussing, but making an action to fulfil, to change something. So, seriously, do I go to heaven just by thinking or by doing? I anticipate another whole argument using different parts of the scripture, by my intellectual friends.
And then? No definite answer?
I don't want to find myself suddenly at the end point of my life, having only "thought about", "discussed about", "argued about", " knew about", "learnt about", but yet to have done anything that I "thought about", "discussed about", "argued about", "knew about", "learnt about". That is what I think now.
This has nothing to do with the scriptures, don't start quoting different parts of it now, to prove your point, because that kind of behaviour sucks.
The simple reason is that I only got one life. It's now or nothing, isn't it?
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